Would You Join Kier Eagan’s DAO? A Severance-Inspired Crypto Nightmare

The Sub-basement Intel on the Lumon Decentralized Autonomous Organisation (DAO)

Let’s take a trip down this Perpetuity Wing, shall we? I imagine the Kier Eagan DAO to be less a decentralized network, more a sanctified spreadsheet of obedience. It would likely break down as follows:

I am of Kier Crypto – Tokenomics as Faith, Not Function

Just like Cobel follows Kier’s doctrine with unwavering devotion, I suspect that Kier’s DAO would rely mostly on hype and implied values to get it off the ground at first.

Falling for a cult of personality is hardly a new concept in the blockchain sector. However, basing your financial decisions purely off what a token might be worth in the future, especially if it is based purely on some Kier-like dogma – may not be the best way to go when choosing a decentralized autonomous organization.

This might all feel a little woo-woo and cinematic, but if you are interested in broadening your outie investments, make sure that you do so through a trusted exchange, like Kraken. This ensures that the DAO you buy into has at least been properly vetted and investigated.

One Vote Under Kier – Waffle Parties and Waffling On

If the ambiguous rules and obscure white papers weren’t enough, I suspect that any votes cast under this fictional DAO, would be worth just about as much as the perks handed out by Lumon in Severance.

Votes on trivial matters, like:

• Renaming Discord roles,
• Or the shipping of inconsequential features,
• Or meaningless rewards, such as commemorative badges, or valueless NFTs,

… don’t actually contribute significantly towards the blockchain. This probably goes without saying, but finger traps, dance parties – or even an egg bar – should never be a distraction from proper governance, transparent communication, or proper accountability.

Break Room Adjacent – When Leaving Feels Like Non-Compliance

If you’ve gotten even partly through Severance season two (don’t worry, we aren’t going to spoil it for you), you will already know that those who subscribe to the Lumon ideology have to perform their loyalty – or risk serious repercussions, disguised as “Wellness Sessions.” I strongly suspect that this would carry over into any DAO activities.

Just a word of warning here, do not let yourself be sent to the crypto Break Room in real life. And again… by this I mean do not forget all the resources and special features that can educate and warn you about potential Kier-level scams.

Platforms like Binance, offer ample resources to educate you on potential red flags. You can even rely on the platform’s multi-tiered risk control system, which functions like a note passed from innie to outie about a potential threat on the horizon.

If All Else Fails: Remember The Overtime Contingency

Perhaps the most troubling thought that I keep coming back to over, and over again, is the overtime contingency dilemma.

Much like when our favorite innies realized that they could be activated outside of work without their consent, the Kier-DAO would most certainly include some sort of overbearing entity pulling strings and controlling things behind-the-scenes.

The governance of our made-up DAO would seem decentralized, until someone flips the switch, and you are left – as Dylan G was, confused in a closet, confronting a new reality.

Be More Than an Innie and Don’t Stake Your Soul

Alright, my fellow crypto cinephiles, as fun as this journey through our imagined Kier Eagan decentralized autonomous organization has been – it is time for me to head back to ground level.

While the Lumon innies are kept in the dark for the most part, that does not have to be our reality.

Here in the real world, we each have the ability to keep our “outie” perspectives when making important investment decisions. This empowers us to spot some of these glaring DAO-scam red flags discussed above, and reroute quickly to a better financial future. As my final parting advice, before I head out and greet Mr. Graner the security guard on my way out the door: Don’t be an innie, and always ask yourself, is this DAO allowing you to be the best version of The You You Are?

Go forth DeFi dreamers, and be sure to keep this little thought experiment in mind as you navigate the complex world of decentralization, blockchains and tokenomics.